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Grumpy much?

Being a grump really doesn't feel very good, nor does it serve us very well.  There is a reason for that age old saying, "you catch more flies with honey than vinegar."

Setting aside, for the moment, the question of why one would want to catch flies anyway, let's examine this concept a bit.

First of all, we all know that what we embody, what we be, what we do, what we put out there.....is what we attract.  Right?  If you don't know this, or don't believe it, try an experiment.  Go to the grocery store and be rude.  Steal a parking place, don't make way in the aisles, take cuts at the check out line, and whatever you do.....don't smile at anyone.  Check out how that feels, and check out how people reacted to you.

Now go back in the store.  Smile and make eye contact at everyone you encounter.  Help a short person reach the item on the top shelf.  Let the person behind you in the check out line with just a couple of items go in front of you.  Check out how that feels, and check out how people reacted to you.

If that isn't enough to prove the concept, do your research.  Don't just check out Law of Attraction sites, which can admittedly be biased.  Check out some quantum physics.  Check out the "observer effect."

It really is true, we attract what we put out there.  In terms of feeling grumpy,  simply smiling could change all that.

If you did the experiment above, you've already seen that smiling will completely change the way people act towards you.

Now try this:

Smile.  All the time.  Even if you don't feel like it.  People will wonder what you are up to.  And I guarantee it will make you feel better.

And try counting how many smiles you see in a set period of time.  Go ahead, count those smiles!  For an hour a day.  Write down how many you get.  Do this every day for a week.

Then see how you feel.

It's true:  we can change our feelings by smiling.  It's a behavior modification technique that is simple, easy to do, and very effective.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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status quo or status goI am so pleased to announce my winter schedule of workshops!  The series begins with a brand new workshop!  Although I created the concept of this workshop several years ago, I never completed it until now.  It is designed to move you from being stuck to unstuck, from the same old same old to the new and exciting!  If you are ready, come join us!

The series is designed so that the material on one workshop has a natural progression flowing into the next, although you can take them individually.  And if you feel like you need some more individual care and work, I'm offering a discount on packages.  Invest in all three workshops and save $15, invest in all three plus a package of six sessions for a total of $495  and save and whopping $90!  Call me now at 530-906-9336 as I have a limited number of sessions I am offering at this price, and seating for the workshops is also limited.

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imageThere is a balance between doing and being in our lives.  Another way to put that is that in order to be most effective with the stuff we do in our lives, we need to take time out for stillness.

Stillness doesn't have to mean doing nothing.  Many of the clients I work with cry out in dismay at the very thought of simply being still.   But I believe stillness is a very necessary component to a happy life.  When I begin counseling work with a client, one of the first things I do is find out what practices they use to be still.  Very often, implementing a practice such as journaling or meditation is all that is needed to restore a life filled with chaos to one filled with peace.

If we look to Mother Nature as an example, we will see that there are periods of calm, and periods of...well, not so calm.  We will see trees lying dormant in winter, looking almost dead, yet when spring comes all of a sudden there is a rush of activity on those same trees.  If we look to religion as an example, we are told that there is a time to tear down and a time to build.   Physically, we must rest every day, for about 8 hours, or risk reduced effectiveness in our doings.  Continue with a lack of sleep and eventually psychosis sets in.  Psychologically, we need a good, balanced combination of laughter and solemnity, play time and work time, or we risk a feeling of perhaps not fitting in, or feeling like something is missing from our lives.

Most of us, in our active lives, might tend to ignore the need for stillness and quiet.  Doing so prevents us from enjoying all the beauty and wonders that life has to offer.

We are approaching a new year.  It is a time of resolutions and a determined effort to begin anew for most of us.  And yet studies show that resolutions made at this time of year are rarely kept for very long.  Instead of making a resolution, make a committment.  Commit to spending a period of time, every day, in stillness.  Even if you are a mother with children who follow you to the bathroom, you can still find at least a couple of minutes during which you can breathe.....simply breathe.

How do you practice stillness in your life?

 

 

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I've decided to initiate a series of posts called Wellness Wednesday!  Every Wednesday I will be sharing a quote, or an idea, designed to facilitate wellness.  I hope you will subscribe and join in the fun by submitting ideas or quotes of  your own.

Here is today's quote.  "if you think long enough about what you do not want in your life, you may become depressed or anxious."  The quote is by Jennice Vilhauer, PhD, from the book "Think Forward to Thrive."

What do you think about this quote?  When you examine the overall pattern of your thoughts, do you find that perhaps you might be thinking more about what you don't want then what you do want?

Here's an example:  I don't want to get sick!  Instead, direct your thoughts to good health.  Or, you may get up in the morning listing all the things you think are wrong with  your life.  The reality is, some of those wrong things might just be the result of skewed perception on your part, or it may just be that you are looking at the glass as half empty rather than half full.

What comes up for you when you read this?

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Call it Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, or call it ancient wisdom, but I have learned that in order to change the outer circumstances of my life I must change my thinking.

I know there are some people in this world who believe that this simply isn't so, because I've met them.  But I've tested this concept in my life many times, and I've read enough literature, and now science has proved it.

Consider:

  • The Bible tells us that as we believe, we will receive.
  • Ernest Holmes, founder of Centers for Spiritual Living,  has dozens of books, all talking about changing our thinking to change our lives.  Here is a quote from The Art of Life, "Since you are fundamentally a mental  being, you can think yourself into being unhappy and depressed or you can think yourself into being glad."
  • Quantum physics:  I am not a scientific sort of person, but in my quantum physics class I learned that there is scientific proof that our thoughts have power.  The Observer Effect comes to mind, where it was proved that scientists effect the outcome of their experiments simply by observing them.
  • Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has been tested and developed through many scientific studies as a very effective way to change one's life, and it begins with changing your thinking.

If you are having problems in your life, or you wish to change a circumstance in your life, or simply want to open up to  new possibilities in  your life,  the place to begin is with your thoughts.

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I woke up this morning, and as is my usual practice, looked out my window to see what Mother Nature was up to this fine morning. I noticed that a storm had moved in while I slept, and was hovering over the mountains west of me. This is the normal weather pattern here in my neck of the woods, and I wondered if the storm would make it over the mountains to gives us valley folks some moisture. As I sat and contemplated all the metaphorical meanings of this, a rainbow appeared! It was almost magical, one minute it was not there and the next minute it was.

I love rainbows. To me, they are a reminder to always look for the good. For there is good in every situation. Even in the midst of stormy times, there is good.

Using Mother Nature as a metaphor is a valuable practice for me. Storms have to come. They provide much needed moisture. In the mountains they provide snow, which brings visitors for ski season, which bring jobs. In this valley, the moisture from the storms facilitates the vast acreage of pasture land here, which feeds the cows and horses, which provide jobs, recreation and food. People like to complain during the storms, but I stopped doing that since I realized the storms were a metaphor for life. Storms are necessary for life to proceed.

We all have storms in our lives. Changes, loss and illness, all are the storms of life, and rainbows cannot form unless there are storms. So when I see a storm, I always look for the rainbow. Likewise, when I have a storm in my life, I always look for the good.

In this way, I can, even in the midst of sadness or anger or any of the other feelings I might be experiencing, know that there is good in this experience, and there will continue to be good. There will always be a rainbow.

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minicard_template_usLately I've had some clients that are extremely intelligent.  We're talking genius IQ level here.  Being smart has a lot of benefits, but sometimes we can be too smart for our own good.  Smart people tend to think....and think.....and think.....and many times the ways in which they think don't serve them too well. They are consumed with negativity, lack of confidence, doubt and all those other patterns of thinking that just don't contribute to a higher quality of life.

If you find yourself in the category of perhaps being too smart for  your own good, here are some things to try:

  • Remember that you can change the pattern of your thinking.  This isn't easy, it is like changing any other habit, it takes conscious effort at first.  You simply redirect your thinking, as you would the attention of a child who is misbehaving.  Every time you have a thought that doesn't really serve you, move the focus of your thoughts from negativity to something more positive.
  • Try not to be such a smarty pants.  In other words, try to move from the intellectual to the emotional or feeling tone.  Or, to put it another way, try to get out of your head and into your heart.  Again, this will take conscious effort at first.
  • Meditate.  Meditation is about focus, not about clearing your mind.  Repeated attempts to focus your mind will train the mind, so that it behaves better.  Focus on a word, such as the one in the photo above, or a mantra, or a phrase, or do a walking meditation where you remain totally mindful of your surroundings and the placement of your feet.

I'd love to hear about how you turn your thoughts from the negative to the positive!

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KAL_3387Has it ever happened to you:  that feeling that you are NEVER going to get it all done...NEVER!  I know it has happened to me.

It is called overwhelm, and I think it happens to all of us occasionally.  Overwhelm can be caused by a number of things, but usually it is because you have said "yes" to too many things.  The second most common cause of overwhelm is projection:  you are thinking about some point in the future instead of right now.  Overwhelm has a tendency to stop us in our tracks, there might be a feeling that there is so much to do that we might as well sit down and do nothing, because there is no way to get it all done.

Here are some things you can do to prevent overwhelm:

  • Say no.  If you can't say  no, the invitation is to take a look at that.  Why can't you say no?  Usually there is some underlying fear that causes this.  Fear of displeasing someone, fear of not being included, fear of not being accepted.  Take a good hard look at what you have said "yes" to and see if you can remove any of those yesses from your life.
  • Live in the moment.  The Buddhists have it right when they say  mindfulness is the key to peace.  Don't think about yesterday, it is a done deal.  Don't think about tomorrow, it hasn't happened yet.  Think about right now.
  • Break it down.  I don't know about you, but I can do anything for an hour.  I may not be able to even contemplate doing it for a day, but I can do it for an hour.  If you have a number of tasks in front of you, pick one and work on it for an hour.  Then give yourself permission to take a break.  Then do it again.

And if you have a pattern of feeling overwhelmed, consider that it may  not be serving you.  It might serve you better to get some help to change that.

I can help, contact me.

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KAL_8695"A lot of doorways are going to open for you, just don't stand behind them when they open."  Rev. Dr. Gil Linsley, www.gillinsley.com

My dad told me that just yesterday.  We were sitting there talking about endings and beginnings and possibilities and out came that beautiful quote.

I think it is awesome, and very appropriate for many of us today.

I was talking with a client the other day who was very upset because she didn't know what was going to happen in her life.  Not only that, she didn't know what she wanted to happen, but it was more important to her to know what was going to happen than to not know.

Having been in a hallway...when a door closes and the new ones haven't yet presented themselves or opened....more times than I can count, I am in a place where being in a hallway is actually quite comfortable.  I don't have to know what is going to happen.  While I plan, and set goals, and have ideas, and take action,  I can rest comfortably in the unknown, knowing that things always work out for my highest good, even if I'm not aware of it at the time.

I took an informal survey last Sunday of my congregation at the Center for Spiritual Living Carson City.   About 75% of them said they were in a hallway.  All of those said they were uncomfortable being there.  If you are in a hallway, or you have a decision to make and don't know which way to turn, here are some helpful tools to facilitate movement and transformation.

1.  Introspection.  Turn your attention away from what is happening "out there."  Trying to control the people in your life is like trying to make pigs fly, it just pisses off the pigs and doesn't work.  Turn within, ask yourself some hard questions:  what do I believe?  What do I think of myself?  Am I generally optimistic or pessimistic?  Am I full of fear?  What does fear look like to me?

2.  Write down what you would like to see happen.  Do a best case scenario, a worst case scenario, and a most likely scenario.  I've always had some fun with this exercise, even in the midst of uncertainty and sadness, because my worst case scenarios are usually so ridiculous as to be laughable.

3.  Leave some room for flexibility.  No matter what your spiritual beliefs are, I have found that leaving room for flexibility is a great way to allow for my greatest good.  If I have things planned down to the gnat's ass not only am I going to be frustrated because they don't go as planned, but I've left no room for that wonderful Force that some call the Universe, some call God, to work in my life.

4.  Talk it over.  Bouncing ideas off a friend can help, as long as that friend is strong enough to not enable you, and is confident enough to voice their observations in a kind and loving way.

5.  Don't take advice.  This stuff is yours alone, no one else can stand in your shoes, and no one else is equipped to tell you what to do.   Good friends and good therapists will not give advice, but will instead suggest ways to allow you to get to your own decisions that serve you best.

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Published on 1 Comment on I am a minister….still!

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I am a minister

I woke up this morning after a wonderful night's sleep in a bunk bed in a vacation rental in San Clemente, CA. I am here at a Minister's Gathering.

I am a minister!

This still blows me away a little bit. Last night our leaders took a brief moment to thank us for answering the call. They take every opportunity to do that. Indeed, they create opportunities to do that.

On the one hand, it evokes all sorts of warm wonderful goodness in me, that they would so go out of their way to thank us every chance they get. On the other, it makes me wonder, not for the first time, what on earth I have gotten myself into. Is being a minister such a really hard job that they feel the need to get all gushy with gratitude every time they get a group of us together?

It can't be any harder than being a wedding photographer.

Really.

Let's examine this: As a wedding photographer, I have to know some things technically. How to light any given situation so that the images look good, and the people in them look good. How to pose any body shape so it looks good. How to set my f-stop and shutter and flash unit to emphasize what I want, hide what I don't, and make everything look nice and balanced. And I have to do it quickly, easily, calmly, with all that wedding energy swirling around me: protective fathers, anxious mothers, hopeful brides, and the general mood of excited yet fearful anticipation.

Not so hard. Well, not now it isn't hard. When I first began doing weddings, it was hard. My partner knew not to try and speak to me on Saturday mornings. Even though I might not have to be at a wedding till 3 that afternoon, I needed the entire morning to rest and prepare. And I would come home so tired at night that I would be in tears. Literally. It's not like that now. I've been doing that for so many years that all it takes to prepare is some meditation, some reminders about what is important, another check of my equipment, and off I go. And I've set my fstops and shutters speeds and lights so many times that I can set them up right the first time and do what I came to do: make wonderful wedding images. No matter what.

After 27 years of doing photography, I got this. And yet, I also know that, given the nature of the beast, I need to keep on my toes: to continue my studies, make sure I am physically fit enough to chase a bride up a mountain side or down to the beach, carrying 50 pounds of equipment, and I need to remember that every bride is unique and special and not take anything for granted.

As a minister, what do I do? Well, let's see. I need to know some things technically. Only it isn't a piece of equipment I need to know, it's people and spiritual principles.

I need to be able to remember and grab hold of any given spiritual principle at any moment, based on what the person in front of me has brought to the table. And I need to do it when they are in attack mode because they are having an issue in their life and instead of looking at that issue, they've made it about me. I need to remember not to take it personally.

I need to sound profound. Every Sunday, no matter what.

I need to be able to, in the middle of the grocery store aisle, set aside my shopping and answer the call of a congregant in need who needs to talk.

I need to be able to inspire a team of mostly volunteer workers, over and over again.

I need to be an effective administrator. I need to know marketing and PR.

I need to set boundaries, and keep them. I need to stay in balance. I need to continue my spiritual studies. I need to take enough time off, and know when to say "no." And I need to remember my own humanness, and not be so hard on myself when I fall short of all those very lofty "needs" I just listed.

And I need to keep physically fit, because it's a holistic thing, and if I'm not physically fit things might be a bit out of balance. And I need to remember that every person I encounter is an individual, with their own unique way of expressing things, and their own needs and wants and desires, and their own expectations of what I can or should do to meet those needs.

And I need to do it, and make a living wage, in spite of many people's expectations that I do this work for free.

Hmmmm....no matter they are always thanking me for answering the call.

And yet, there is some sort of magic here. Some sort of wonderful elusive thing that tells me I am in the right place. It tells me I can do this, it tells me I am up to the challenge. I approach this new career with excitement and energy and a joy of living and a continued search for fresh knowledge and new insights, because that is the way I approach everything in life. And they told me in ministerial school that the way I do one thing is the way I do everything.

So I'm here at my very first Minister's Gathering, excited and grateful beyond measure. Today we will have a session on having difficult conversations, and some fun with stretching our spiritual muscles with spoon bending, and a bonfire, complete with smores. And lots of fellowship, and sharing and good stuff. And yes, I am a Minister, and I am up to the task!