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Sometimes....no...consistently and persistently...we need to take a good hard look at ourselves.  I call this the practice of introspection.  Introspection has served me so well over the years.  In the beginning it allowed me to simply identify feelings.  I had them, everyone does, but mine had been shut down for so long it was impossible for me to feel them, or identify them when I did.  I had two default feelings:  anger and numbness.  Those  were defaults I installed myself in response to early childhood stuff.  I got to change those defaults later on in life, and I am so glad I did.  Life isn't very satisfactory when we can't identify what we are feeling.

Lately I've been thinking about defaults again.  Defaults are like beliefs:  we sometimes don't even know we have them, and yet, they are powerful things that have the tendency to shape and mold our very existence.  If life is happening and we aren't happy about the way it is happening, a good hard look at the default settings we have might serve us very well.

One such default setting is:  Life is hard.  It's supposed to be hard.  Mom and dad told us life was hard, so did society.  Hardship is the only way we gain strength and wisdom.

The only problem with such a default is that that we find ourselves continuously in a state of hardship.  Because we think life is supposed to be hard.  And we can pat ourselves on the back by looking at how much hardship we have overcome, how much strength we have because we have overcome SO MUCH!

I've done that.  And I have news for you.   It isn't true that life is supposed to be hard, and it isn't necessary either. That default, whether we programmed it ourselves or whether someone else installed it for us, is nonsense and it needs to be changed.

Changing a default can be done, awareness is the key and the first step.  What is your default?  I'd love to hear about it.

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I've got something to say about Mother's Day. It's tomorrow, and my Facebook feed is filled with daughters missing their moms, women beating themselves up because they gave a kid up for adoption a zillion years ago, women who don't believe in Mother's Day even though they love their mom and their kids. I never realized this was such a big holiday. I sometimes wonder if social media has somehow worked to change our perception of things like this. Has Mother's Day always been this big of a deal? Or does it just seem so because my feed is filled with Mother's Day posts?

I'm not a mom. Not of humans anyway. This doesn't make me sad. I drank away my child bearing years and would never bring a child into the life I was living back then. I am proud of my choice. Perhaps the world would be a better place if more people who were unfit to be parents took responsibility for not having kids. There are plenty of good parents out there to take up the slack, and lord knows the human race is not in danger of extinction.

My mom has been off this earthly plane for 18 years. She loved me, but she wasn't what you would call a traditional mom.  I think she was doing drugs the day they passed out the mother gene. She and I had worked out all our issues by the time she died and I can honestly say that I'm glad for the part she played in my life.  I grieved her death, and experienced no small amount of anger when she died because I felt she went too early.  A lifetime of doing drugs will do that to you.  But mostly I felt relief that she was out of all of her emotional and physical pain. The death certificate says she died of some sort of exotic cancer. I believe she died of drug addiction and a broken heart. I don't miss her. I think of her once in a while, fondly. But I don't miss her.  I actually fail to understand the entire "missing people" concept.  Perhaps I was busy the day they handed that gene out.  Don't get me wrong, I love people and I love being around them.  But when I'm not....I've got lots to keep me busy.

Anyone who may have been a mother figure to me came in and out of my life so quickly that there has been no time to regret their presence and their absence. I'm simply grateful. I'm grateful for the step mother du jour who taught me to share the breakfast cereal with my instant horde of brothers and sister. I'm grateful for the one who taught me about bras.  The rest of it?  Self taught.  I still find it humorous that those who are in a position to know say I don't know how to do laundry.  It's another of those self taught things:  throw the clothes in the washer, add soap, turn on.  Throw in dryer.  Sort colors?  Who thinks of these things?

As for nurturing? Somewhere along the line I've figured out it was ok to nurture people.  Although it has been a learned thing for me, having never received much of it myself.  You  might say I've made the effort to nurture my nurturing side.  Nurturing did not come automatically but today  I actually enjoy it.  I mother my sick friends if they will allow it.  I look for opportunities to nurture people, to provide a sometimes silent but supportive presence in a time of need.  I nurture my pets.

I guess if someone was a good mother we should somehow honor them. But I think that honor should be daily. Consistent. Not on one day out of the year.  And we should honor our ancestors, and the women who made it possible for us to vote today, and all the other pioneers who fought so that we could make progress towards equal rights.  And those who continue the fight today, because I don't think we are there yet.

Being unfamiliar with motherhood from both the receiving and the giving ends, I could have a totally skewed view.  But I don't think so.  I've got a lot of history, a lot of wisdom and a lot of training under my belt.

My point?  I guess I just wanted to give voice to another point of view about Mother's Day. Surely there is someone out there who is having similar feelings.  Take care of yourself.  Honor your mom, not just this weekend.  Maybe honor someone else's mom.  Moms play a big part, without them we wouldn't be here.  Honor yourself if you are a mom, and try not to eat too much Sunday brunch.  Happy Mother's Day.

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ICK flyerI LOVE it when I do a workshop and see all the bright smiling faces, open energy and AHA moments that happened.  Our last workshop was such a success the participants didn't want to leave at the end, and they kept talking about it on Facebook for days afterwards!KAL_5449

Here we are inside the tack room, where Barbara is showing some of the participants where the art supplies are.KAL_5452

The horses meditated with us!KAL_5459

These two did not know each other until the day of the workshop.  I think some lifelong friendships were formed that day.KAL_5463

Some of the folks claimed a deep fear of horses, and you should have seen the smiles at the end after riding a horse!

Here is what one participant had to say about it:  "If you ever have the opportunity to take a course with Karen Linsley and Barbara Richmond Chastain do it!!
I had such a great time yesterday and met such fantastic positive energy people."

If you want to sign up for the encore ICK to Joy, contact me or sign up online at http://www.equin-nimity.com/

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I don't know why I'm always somewhat amazed when it happens....again.

Maybe your mind works like mine does.  I get these inner shifts in my thinking, these inner awarenesses that are different.  They constitute inner rearrangements in how I perceive life, and result in differences in the way I react to life.  The amazement comes because while it takes me time to be able to voice what is occurring, I will always find in my studies an author who so eloquently speaks what I am feeling and experiencing.  This time around it is Parker J. Palmer, in his book "Let Your Life Speak."

It is both heartwarming, because I learn that I am not alone, and encouraging, because I realize I'm on the right track.

In the quote he is speaking to not looking backward and attempting to fix or control or somehow undo it when a door has shut, but instead to look forward to the opportunities inherent in such a situation.

In the last few years I've experienced a number of doors closing.  And some part of me knew that while it was important to properly grieve the losses (and I have) another also part knew that when the time was right, the openings and new opportunities would come.  I also knew I had some work to do, and I've done the work.  And new opportunities are beginning to present themselves.

If you have had a door (or doors) close, take heart.  I know it isn't pleasant right now, in this in-between place I call the hallway.  And there is work to be done for sure.  Inner work, and most likely some grieving.  Do not attempt to deny or bypass this work or the grieving.  That will simply ensure that you stay stuck.  Do the work and I promise you the new life that presents itself will be amazing.

 

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Published on 1 Comment on No more self improvement!?!?!?!?

KAL_6552For some time now I've been thinking that at some point self improvement has stop.  After all, the very words "self improvement" imply that there is something to be improved.

Just how much improvement can we do anyway?

Doesn't there come a time when we can....oh, I don't know....just enjoy life?  Maybe lighten up a bit?

I recently attended a convention at which one of the speakers was a guy named Derek Rydall.   One of the points he made during his talk was that self improvement is an oxymoron.  It hit home with me, given the trend of my recent thoughts.

What if that thing we say we want to change about ourselves is really a call to go deeper?  What if that catastrophe is like a sign on the road,  telling us to proceed this way and that way?  What if those uncomfortable feelings we are experiencing are really an indicator to lean  into them and get the gift, rather than deny them and try to change them?  What if....OMG....we've done enough self improvement already and we don't need anymore?

I remember a time in my life almost 30 years ago when I was actively involved in my own journey of self improvement.  I had come to realize that I had an inner voice that was out to get me, or so I thought.  You may have experience with this voice.  In my case it was the one that said, over and over again in a multitude of different ways, that I wasn't worthy.  Yours may tell you something different: you're not enough, bad, somehow deficient in areas that other people aren't deficient in.

My affirmation at the time was two fold:  I would tell the voice, "thank you for sharing, now shut the fuck up."  And I would look in the mirror every day and tell myself, "I am OK today, getting better and better in every way."

And every time I did that, I felt like there was something wrong with that picture, but I didn't quite know what it was, and my mentor told me to do it, so I did.

At the time I couldn't see the abuse I was heaping upon myself.  At the time I could not see how that inner voice will never shut up.  And I could not see that telling myself I was OK was a vast understatement.  Ok?!?!  Just ok?!?!  I am SO much better than OK!

And so are  you!

So if we don't do self help...if we don't improve ourselves, what on earth are we to do?

I think this is a call to self love and self acceptance.  I think that the inner voices that are telling us negative things might just be a call from our inner wisdom, or our higher power, or our soul, or whatever you want to call it.  And that call is to listen, and honor, not try to push away, or shut down.  I think our job is to discern what the message is, the true message, and then heed that message.

We don't need any more self improvement.  We need self love, and self acceptance.

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What is your legacy?

Let's face it, we all have them.

We all have our legacies. Some are more positive, like a family that demonstrated loyalty and was there for you and helped you to feel safe in the world. Others, not so much.  Maybe your family was never there for you, or maybe someone who should have been there for  you wasn't.  All that stuff contributes to our legacy, our story.  We get to choose whether or not  to live in the story, but in order to be at choice, in  order to not be continually victimized by our past, there is work for us to be done.

Part of what I advocate and teach is something I called spiritual practice, more religious traditions refer to it as confession, and in the secular world it is called introspection.

And there are probably as many ways to do introspection as there are people.

I don't know that the method matters. What I do know is that it is imperative, if you want to live a life free from the demons of the past and the self-imposed limitations based on outdated belief systems...IMPERATIVE that you cultivate inner awareness. I do not believe that it is possible to live a happy life unless a regular practice of introspection (followed by sharing and amends, or confession and penitence) is a part of that life. I feel very strongly about this. It is part of a lifestyle that works to allow for freedom and peace in our lives, at least it has for me.

It is also highly important to have a support system in place to be there for you when you do this. You are likely to experience anger, sadness and all the other feelings commonly associated with grieving.

Why grieving? Isn't grieving usually associated with a loss? Yes, and....in doing this kind of work, there is a loss when we take a good hard look at, for example, a legacy which may really suck, and decide we are not going to claim that legacy.

It is not a pleasant process, except if you are anything like me, you know....you have faith that when the process is done, the legacy will no longer have the power to affect who and what you are, and you will be free to create a new legacy.

Today, I hope you are aware of your legacies, and I hope you are doing the inner work necessary to free yourself from them if they are not serving you.

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I love the look on this face!  A sort of "Wait.....WHAT!?!?!?!?!?!?"

This is the look I sometimes get,  and the reaction I sometimes get, when I advise a client to go within.  When I ask for the reasoning behind such a response, the answers vary.  Some find the journey within to be dangerous, and their insides a place to not venture alone.  And some simply cannot or will not believe that going within is going to make any difference in their lives.

I will save the "dangerous place" responses for another post, because today I want to address the belief that going within will not make a difference.

I can state,  unequivocally, that going within DOES make a difference.

And I realize that most of us are trained to do just the opposite.  We are taught throughout our lives to do.....get a job, help others, clean house.  Basic variations of that, and the promise is that if we do those things life will be good.

But life isn't always good, no matter what we do.  And sometimes the doing is in direct conflict with how we feel on the inside, but we don't know it because we've never gone within to check out how we feel.  This doing rather than being is so insidious that I know people who are incapable of identifying their feelings.  And because of that, they live lives of lack and limitation and don't understand why.  They keep doing, and thinking things are going to turn around, and things don't turn around, and then frustration and anger gets added to the list.

Going within means exploring who and what we are....our feelings and thoughts which are based in beliefs and values.  Going within also means sometimes exploring the stories of our lives, not to relive them over and over, but to view past events from a new perspective, which allows us to move beyond the story and stop allowing ourselves to be victimized over and over again.

When we refuse to go within and view things from a different perspective, we can almost provide ourselves with a written guarantee that nothing will change in our lives.

The invitation is this:  if you are experiencing something that is not serving you, go within and explore the story.  Explore the times in your life when something similar has happened.  Look for the pattern, I guarantee there is one.  Look for the common ground, I guarantee there is that too.  When you discover the pattern and the common ground, you are then in a wonderful position, because then you will be able to change the only thing you can change:  yourself.  And when you change yourself, your outsides will automatically change.

I guarantee it.

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NewyearsflyerEvery year at this time, I see and hear about everyone's New Year's Resolutions.

I also just saw come around again a post by Anne Lamont, who asked, in response to someone saying they were going on a diet for their New Year's Resolution, "how much weight are you planning to gain?"

That's what happens with New Year's Resolutions.  We resolve to lose weight, exercise more, eat more healthy, do this...do that.

And how long does it last?  How much weight do you gain?  How long does it take before the exercise equipment gets a layer of dust on it?  Or the gym membership goes unused?

Here's the deal with resolutions, whether you make them on New Year's or some other time:  they don't work and they don't last.

If you have ever been puzzled as to why, it's because those resolutions are an outside fix, and without an inner process to support those outer actions, the outer actions won't continue.

This is why, for several years now, I've done a New Year's workshop.  It's a way to zero in on what is REALLY important to you, and then move from the inside out to make it stick.

Come join us!  Tuesday night, 5-8 pm, at the Center for Spiritual Living in Carson City, 3579 Highway 50 East in Unit 301.  Cost is $25.

 

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0180e093c7393c0bb2ab2ab063c7d613ed592d65dbBusy...busy...busy.

Personally, I feel a call to slow down a bit when the weather cools and the storms begin to roll in.  It is a time when I want to meditate more, contemplate more, just BE...more.  It is a time when I wish to stop doing so much.

And yet, with the approach of the holidays, sometimes it seems an impossible task to stop doing so much.  So many parties....so little time!   Along with shopping, planning menus and meals and potlucks and what to get your 87 year old father for Christmas who has everything.

And more than ever, I want to slow down and BE.  I want to snuggle in with my kitties in my sunroom and enjoy watching the weather move across my field of vision in the skylights above me.  I want to settle in and read. ...continue reading "BE rather than DO"

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Copyright Image Angels Photography, www.imageangels.com
Copyright Image Angels Photography, www.imageangels.com

I love this business!

I just have to brag a bit.  A while back I had a young lady call me who asked if I did couple's counseling.  I told her I did, and we talked a bit more.  She scheduled an appointment with her and her significant other, and one of the things they told me they wanted to find out was whether they had done too much damage to one another for the relationship to survive.

I assured them that it was possible to heal. ...continue reading "A bit of bragging….."